Night of the Ill-Advised Double Feature: Paranormal Activity and Antichrist

I had a pretty good weekend. I saw An Education, which was at worst tolerable, and Where the Wild Things Are, which I loved unequivocally. I figured, obviously, that I probably deserved to do something to balance it out, mental-health-wise. So, like any senseless person might, I decided to really attack the likelihood that I might get a good night’s sleep with the most basic tools at hand: a horror movie the whole internet thinks is scary, and Lars Von Triers Gross-Haus movie. Here’s how it all went down:

I went to a big, frustrating theater to see Paranormal Activity, because it was the most convenient place playing the movie near me. When I walked through the front door I found a massive, backyard-pool-sized tumor of people milling around in line near the ticket-taker. What? Apparently there was a preview screening of The Boondocks Saints II: Can’t Believe It Got a Fucking Sequel - The Movie. Obviously, evil was afoot.

After fighting my way through the throng of people-who-are-stupid-for-wanting-to-see-a-sequel-to-a-shitty-movie I finally made it to my auditorium, which gradually filled up with stupid people who couldn’t get into the stupid Boondock Stupids screening and decided to see a movie anyway. If that weren’t bad enough, I was then subjected to something so terrifying it made The Shining seem tame: ads for George Lopez’s new talk show. At this point I was about ready to leave the theater, go home, put my mom on speakerphone and fall asleep with all the lights on, and the movie hadn’t even started! Needless to say, I was primed for terror.

Luckily, Paranormal Activity is pretty scary. Maybe it’s not. It’s definitely creepy, and there’s probably room for a distinction. A person near me spent parts of the movie hyperventilating or maybe crying (I couldn’t tell and I wasn’t about to help Someone in Need in public), and as a whole it’s definitely got its “jump” moments. The whole fake documentary/found footage thing works for it, and the female lead (Katie Featherston) is fantastic. I will admit that this movie comes at an unfortunate time for me personally, as my house is currently making a number of new and hard-to-place noises due to neighbors’ use of various heating mechanisms. That said, it’s not keeping me up and terrified the way some reviews claim it will, and its ending (which apparently differs from what was seen on the festival circuit) doesn’t live up to the preceding movie. Anyway, read about its production if you want to - it only took a week to shoot, which is nuts.
7 out of 10 (feeling generous)



So, I went home less haunted than I thought I’d be, but that was alright, because Antichrist was waiting for me there, ready to trouble me. I’ll say a few things up front: first, this was my first Von Trier movie. Second, it was maybe my first Dogme95 movie (unless An Education counts? The woman who directed it is part of the movement - which is stupid, by the way, and has a bunch of bullshit rules for assholes - but I don’t know how anyone decides what goes where, since none of them follow their own regulations anyway, and no “true” Dogme movie has ever been made by the group, at least according to their own rules, whichissostupidohmygod). Third, I was extremely prepared: I made a good dinner of red meat, mixed a strong drink, and got comfortable before even approaching Antichrist. Also I was vaguely aware of all the stuff that made people upset when they saw it.

Well, alright. Like other movies that do their best to Really Fuck with the Viewer, Antichrist starts off slowly - really slowly. It stays that way for the first hour at least, maybe more. It’s occasionally gorgeous to look at, kind of, but damn is the better part of it dullsville. Finally, with half an hour left, things started to get interesting. Listen: I watched this movie for the same reason I watched Inland Empire - I wanted to be upset and bothered by something, despite my better judgment. What’s so upsetting or bothersome about Antichrist? [highlight for revealing information, spoiler-weary need not worry] Charlotte Gainsbourg (who’s really good in it, by the way, and who it is weird to think about as being both in this and The Science of Sleep) feels the need to smash Willem Dafoe’s cock with like, a block of wood or something while they’re going at it (for like the zillionth time of the movie). Viewers are then treated to the shortest handjob ever (thankfully?) that culminates in the bloodiest ejaculation I've ever seen. Then she drills a hole into his leg so she can (of course) shove the axle of a grindstone through it and fasten it securely with a rusty nut. Did I mention that earlier Dafoe sees a deer with half of a baby deer hanging out of its take a wild guess? Other stuff also happens, like seeing Willem Dafoe's butt one hundred million times (approximately).

Ultimately, I’m not sure I “got” Antichrist, but maybe that’s just being generous. Parts of it were very interesting, and the whole movie was definitely eerie in a good way. It failed, however, to really shake me up. I don’t know if this is because I’m a terrible person with awful desensitizations, or if being so steeled for what I knew would happen ruined the impact the movie’s violence might have had. Or, you know, maybe it just takes more than a do-it-yourself clitorectomy with a pair of scissors to knock me down.

?? Out of 10. I really don’t know what to do with this.